What I learned when I purposely intended not to learn anything
It was a grey afternoon after visiting a client. As usual, I was on the run going from airport to airport. Sometimes feeling important while sitting beside suited up executives and consultants, going back home on a Thursday evening. Other times feeling as if life has ended and there was no way out of that routine.
On that afternoon, after making a list of pluses and minuses about all possible things, I decided I just had to do something else, not sure exactly what. I quit my job and went on a sabbatical.
Different than some people writing about sabbaticals and “living the life you love”, I actually don’t intend to crash your romantic dreams about having a longer vacation neither tell you that this was “the best decision I have made in my life”.
At this moment, while sitting in a coffee shop, enjoying every minute of good Wifi and doing my best to write an article using mobile Google Docs, I realise I am going back to old models of myself even though I am in Quito, supposedly exploring the colonial city centre and having the time of my life.
My intention with this sabbatical was not soul searching, neither making a lot of new international friends, nor even becoming a citizen of the world. I had a very humble and perhaps simplistic view about it all: let it be.
I didn’t intend to learn anything specific. I didn’t make plans. No goals, no strategy, no pressure. If there was an intention at all, it was to have fun and discover what it feels not to have to do anything in my life.
In order to give a bit more context, let me tell you where I come from. I am a typical middle class Brazilian woman coming from the megalopolis São Paulo. I lived in Brazil in a time in which the country was a land of promises, which later on became the land of opportunities, though still quite unequal.
As for many of my fellows, my parents are baby boomers, the first ones in their families to go to university. They both worked hard at big corporations, day and night, weekends and holidays to be able to provide my brother and I a brighter life than what they could afford for themselves. I was reminded of that every single day and for that I knew I had to be the best in all I did.
I realised at some point though, that even being my best was not good enough. It was fine for me to come to this conclusion. I truly believe in lifelong learning and I feel rather comfortable with all those changes that we all have to face in our daily lives and when making decisions for the future.
What I did not realise is how much of those requirements were hurting me. I never gave myself the right to be mediocre for a longer period of time in something I give value to. That is, I can be not so good at volleyball, not that smart in riding motorcycles, but I do not accept not to be good in my job or studies.
All of this self-made pressure was not helpful. This is what I told myself when I decided to resign from my old consultant job and live the unexpected. Live by the day, make decisions each morning on what to do next and feel responsible only for taking care of my own body and maybe of a passport.
That was a great illusion. You cannot change your mental and behaviour models just by having a time out. Sabbaticals don’t change people. Trips don’t change people. It should all come from inside. But where the hell is this inside?
The answer to this question is not something I am searching desperately for. Though by writing this text I feel I get closer to solving this enigma. Again, not soul searching. It is simply an experiment to discover why I (or we) tend to slip back into old mental models. I would love to figure out why people tend to reproduce exactly what they don’t enjoy about themselves even though there is no need or pressure to do so.
Well, this is what I learned in the past two months while not intending to learn much about anything. I can tell you it was the most interesting lesson I have had in my time out of home, out of my comfort zone.
And just that you know what I think about sabbaticals: they are nice and everything, but don’t trick yourself. You are what you are and changes will only happen once you let lessons come naturally to you.
Sabbaticals might allow these lessons to come easier or more fluidly to you. Thus, based on my humble experience, I encourage you not to purposely want to learn or change but to, at least once in a lifetime, let it be.
Katiane sua forma de escrever é inusitada, promovendo o desejo da leitura, para aprender com as experiências vividas por vc, as quais nos remetem à reflexão.
Chegou o momento de vc escrever um livro.
Que tal a idéia?