Two years ago I arrived in Munich after a 4-month sabbatical. Little did I know about what would happen next.

Few convictions I had in life at that point in time. Work in a digital company: yes. Big corporation again: no. Writing more: yes. Being passionate about my next job: definitely.

I felt the urge to try something new. But isn’t that feeling always there? It is, at least for a mind like mine.

Leadership was not in my plans. Until then it was a far-away thought I entertained from time to time.

Months after my arrival in Munich I started working at a well-established start-up. I immediately fell in love with the atmosphere. People could make a real difference at work. Ideas could actually change the status quo. Pretty different from what I previously experienced in a company with over 250 thousands employees.

The quote from Heraclitus:

“The only constant in life is change”

made more sense than ever. Life was flowing. I started in this company as a product manager with a special task: coach and mentor the Client Success team.

At first sight these two tasks didn’t sound that conflicting to me. How can I know whether this will work if I don’t give it a try? Let’s test and learn.

Reality hit after a few months in this new role. I wasn’t as available to the developers as they would have liked. Neither was I as good a manager to the Client Success team as I had planned. I couldn’t dedicate myself 100% in either role. Torn between different goals and priorities for both teams.

Developers needed me to have a deeper technical understanding about the nitty-gritty details of the product. Better clarity of the edge cases. Stories written in greater detail. They haven’t told me in these exact words, perhaps it is based mainly on self-criticism.

On the other hand the Client Success team already had a great team lead. It felt like a family. Smart people with product knowledge. A mix of different personalities coming from all over the world. This team was fine and flowing. Until changes happened.

Experienced people started to leave the Client Success team. Some moved to other internal roles, a few returned to their home country. This well-functioning team had to get in tune again.

As you might have guessed, I didn’t face these challenges neatly one after the other. If that were true, we wouldn’t call it Real Life. I would be tempted to extend Heraclitus’ quote as follows:

“The only constant in life is change. And changes happen all at once”.

I am terrible at dividing my heart into two pieces. Focus is important to me. Where my heart is, is where magic happens. Therefore I decided to follow one path only. There were two choices: either being an individual contributor or a manager.

The contents of these two options could not be more different. One was product management, which had become my passion over the past ten years. A topic that I can talk about for hours on end. The other, Client Success, was a rather new area for me. A field in which I could grow and learn a lot.

Not an easy choice. No right or wrong. Not an obvious decision to make. Would it be a step forward? Or maybe rather a step backwards?

I realised after some thoughts and walks that, in the times we live in, none of the two options is a step backwards. Individual contributors can have the same impact as managers. Some people might perceive the manager role to be more prestigious, but I don’t buy into this.

“Beauty in things exists merely in the mind which contemplates them.”

David Hume’s Essays, Moral and Political, 1742

I related back to this quote during the decision making process. And I must say: this thought didn’t make it easier. I could see beauty in both roles. Feel the joy on both paths.

One random day at 5 PM I invited my manager to a not so random meeting. I entered the room, closed the door and took a deep breath. It certainly was not easy for neither of us to have this conversation.

I had decided: follow 100% the manager’s path. On the one hand, the company would lose a product manager. On the other hand, they would gain a person connecting the dots, spreading the product perspective to other areas of the company and keeping track of the bigger picture.

I can imagine it was not easy for my manager. He would have to share the news with other product managers and developers. The one who would open the path for me for this change. And he did it all. I don’t take it for granted and am thankful to him for allowing me to choose this path.

Few months in and I do not regret this choice, not even for a minute. I’ve done my fair share of mistakes. I’ve sometimes been hard to people. I’ve been empathetic at times. Realising day in, day out that what works for one, does not work for the other.

Funnily enough I remember my first years of work experience. I had promised myself how good a manager I would become. I have the impression—without having kids myself—that people have similar ideas on parenthood. As a kid you tell yourself how much better a parent you will be to your own children, and eventually end up raising them in a similar way.

That’s how I feel now. Promising myself every day that I will take care of people the same way I wish a manager would have taken care of me. And realising a few seconds later that this is as biased as it can get. I am no role model of human being—if there even is one—to understand how each and every person needs and wants to be treated.

Well, this is already material for a next blog post on “managerhood”. Until then I’ll keep failing most of the times. Succeeding eventually. And ever growing as a human and leader.